Remembering and Pride

Within the past two years, I lost both my parents.  Some people said the usual, "Well, your dad/mom had a good long life."  Others pointed out, "He/She is in a much better place now."  Both of those things are true, and I take particular comfort in the latter, knowing they are in heaven with their Father.  Neither of those things, however, lessens MY loss.

On an almost daily basis, something will make me think of either or both of my parents.  It can be something big, like my daughter performing as the Tin Man in her school's production of The Wizard of Oz.  It may be something small, like the way my son gets tickled sometimes and he has this laugh that gets the rest of us going, laughing so hard we can't talk.  Sometimes, it's stupid things, like the day the door of my washing machine fell on my hand; yes, I'm fifty, but I still wanted my Mom to sympathize with me!

But a few weeks ago, while talking to my sister via email, she said something that made me think of Mom.  We were talking about my writing efforts, and my venture into the world of Amazon self-publishing.  My sister said, "You know, Mom would've loved your books, and would've been proud."

Now, I know what the Bible says about pride.  I don't believe I'm a proud or haughty person.  But to make Mom or Dad proud?  Now that's a different story.  Because, you see, in order to make Mom or Dad proud, you had to be doing something good.  Something special.  Something productive.

Each time I upload a new book, I find myself thinking, "I wish Mom were here to read this."  And I hope she'd be proud.

It's Not About the Money

I might have mentioned -- at least once or twice -- how much I love to write.  I used to joke and say, "If I could make a living at it, I'd sit and write all day!"  Well, I'm not quite up to "making a living", but I have been doing a lot of "sitting and writing" all day.  I'm still looking for a "real" job, but there is a part of me that wonders if that's not like asking God to send rain, then watering my lawn.

You see, I pray on a regular basis that this "writing thing", as I call it, works.  I want to be able to earn money doing the thing I love most in the world.  But today, I earned something on which I could never put a dollar value.

A friend posted a little status update about my books on Amazon.  She pointed out that we worship together, and that it's very exciting to see books by a Christian author -- especially one she knows personally -- on Amazon.  There were a couple of comments and "likes" and then there was THE comment.  The comment that made my heart race and my face heat up and brought tears to my eyes.  The comment was:


Christie had JUST told me about it Saturday... Said would help me with some of my own healing... Wish it was on NOOK.


I realized suddenly THAT'S what it's about.  It's not about money or fame.  It's about sharing my faith in God.  It's about God blessing me with a small amount of talent that I can use to bless others.  It's about using my gift to teach others, in some way, about God's love and mercy and grace and forgiveness and healing.


I find myself humbled that God has blessed me in this way.  I pray that He will continue to send this flow of words, and that I can, perhaps in my own little way, lead others to Him.

On My Way!

Well, a week after my two self-published books hit the "shelves" on Amazon, I can proudly say, for the first time in my life, that my love of writing has earned money.  Okay, it's not even enough for a full tank of gas at this point.  But it's a start.

I continue to pray on a daily -- well, hourly is more like it -- basis.  I pray that my husband and I have made the right decisions.  I pray for the flow of words to continue.  I still pray that, if it's God's will, that I find an actual job; and I don't believe it's wrong for me to pray that if I'm supposed to have a "real" job, that it be something I can be happy doing.

You see, I spent five years at a job with which I had a love-hate relationship.  I loved every single thing about the job except for one:  one of the owners.  This particular person could turn my normally positive attitude on its ear, making me angry, hurt and frustrated by her constant criticism.  Don't get me wrong; I believe we all learn from constructive criticism.  Destructive criticism, however, only damages.

The longer I stayed at that job, the more I found my anger affecting my very walk with God.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to have a heart that is right with God when you are constantly bitter, hurt and angry.  Perhaps I wasn't strong enough, or good enough, I truly don't know.  All I know is that, since leaving that job, walking away from that anger, I have found my heart -- my happy heart again.

So in the midst of financial struggles, I thank God every day for leading me back to myself.  I thank Him for the opportunity to follow this dream.  And I ask for His blessing on this journey.